It is Well...I'm Still Yours

I'm sitting here at home on a quiet Saturday afternoon enjoying some hot Jasmine green tea (my favorite) & thinking over all that's happened in the last couple of weeks. I shared in my last post the emotional struggle of dealing with the physical side effect of the skin rash from the Tarceva. Overall, that is much better even though I do have some scarring from the reaction to the hydrocortisone cream. Those will fade with time. At this point, I am off all chemo medication because my white blood cell & platelet counts dropped too low to continue this week. Doctor thinks the dose of Tarceva was just too much for my body to handle. I'll have more lab work pulled on Monday to see how things are going. Once the counts return to normal, I will be on a lower dose of the Tarceva so my bone marrow can recover without having to take a break from the meds.

During this month on the new chemo drugs, I have noticed my hair starting to thin again. Decided to have it cut shorter again because the weight of the length was causing it to come out faster. I definitely have some spots that are thin, but with the new style I can hide those pretty well. As you can imagine, losing your hair always brings about feelings of insecurity and vanity...even though I'm prepared and have dealt with the "emotional attachment" to my hair, it's still not easy. Facing this possibility again brought up memories of a story from a few months ago I'd like to share.

Early in my treatment, as my hair started to thin, I prepared to lose it all as my oncologist fully expected I would. I dealt with many of the same feelings I shared in my last post. I've never even had really short hair and had always thought of it as one of my best features. The possibility of losing it all was hard. About this same time, I bought a copy of the Kutless "It is Well" CD for the song, "What Faith Can Do". I love this song and find it very encouraging. However, as I listened to the entire CD one morning after everyone had left house, I realized why God had led me to buy this CD...it wasn't for that song. The last song on the CD is called "I'm Still Yours". That morning, my hair seemed to be coming out more than usual and I was honestly scared. The first line of this song blew me away..."If you washed away my vanity..." As with so many things God has used to open my eyes during this storm, I stopped dead in my tracks and started the song again. "If you washed away my vanity..." Really? How did they know what I was dealing with? Yep - I had pulled quite a bit of my vanity out of the shower drain that morning. Next line..."If you took away my words..." What if? My desire to write and sing...to share what God is doing through this...what if He allowed it to be taken away? The song goes on to ask "Would You be enough for me?...If I lost it all, would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away?"

If you haven't guessed by now in reading earlier posts, music affects me like nothing else and God uses it frequently to speak volumes to me. I can't count the times He has brought the right song for the right time. By the end of the first chorus, I was on my knees honestly not knowing if I could lift my hands to my God if these things happened. Convicted to the core of not just my vanity and ego, but of my lack of faith for God to see me through. It took much time, prayer, soul-searching, honesty with myself and allowing God to pull out the roots of fear, brokenness, insecurity, pride and selfishness for me to be able to listen to this song without fear. With the message of that song and the encouragement of His Word, God drew me close, opened my heart to face all those things and wrapped His arms around me as I gave them up to Him.

Today, as I continue to watch my hair thin, I am dealing with it without brokenness and fear, secure in the knowledge that He is using this to accomplish the most important thing to Him...bringing me to a closer relationship to Him. It's ALL about HIM. As I've watched God open the doors of ministry through opportunities to sing and speak in concerts, this blog and sharing His story with others, I know that even if He "takes away my words", I will lift my hands to Him because I am still His...nothing can change that. For that reason only, He deserves my praise.

Let me take this opportunity to thank all the countless number of people who lift me up in prayer on a daily basis. I could not get through this without the support of my wonderful family and faithful friends. I have been and continue to be provided for as our needs arise. We were provided meals for MONTHS until I could stand on my feet enough to cook. I have a basket full of beautiful cards and still adding to it as God leads people (some I've never even met) to encourage me...and I love each and every one of them. I am a phone call &/or Facebook post away from prayers warriors who take me before the throne of God with specific requests. It is so humbling to feel this type of love, but empowering as well. As I recently stood with my beautiful girls before the congregation of my parent's church and shared in music and story of God's power and grace through this trial, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were doing exactly what He would have us do. God has been SO merciful to allow me to do this for His glory. He has provided a support group beyond belief and I cannot say thank you enough. It is indeed well with my soul.