I am currently in that phase between chemo infusions where I have scans before the doctor determines the next phase of treatment. I completed the PET scan today and have the CT scan on Monday. Where I go from here will be determined by the results of those 2 scans.
Its in this phase of preparing for scans and waiting for results that the reality of this disease comes crashing headlong, full force, into the reality of my faith. My belief & experiences with God are mocked, even overwhelmed by my knowledge-base & experiences with cancer. Shouldn't that be the other way around? What exactly DO I believe? What exactly is my faith placed in? Why does my faith not automatically overwhelm this doubt and... OH I'll just admit it...Fear!!
You are witnessing my unedited thought processes right now...this post was unplanned and I'm not sure where it is going so bear with me.
I find myself doubting the possibility that these scans will show positive results. My history with this has shown that by the 3rd scan of each chemo round I have stopped responding. I am focused on that statistic. And yet, every time I begin to slide down that slope, God reminds me that He is in control...not history. And what do I do? I ask Him "what if...?" "What if the results aren't positive and the tumors are growing again." "What if I don't get a break?" "What if I have to switch treatment AGAIN?" What if...What if...What if......? Can anyone tell I'm frustrated with myself?
Where is my strength?!?! Isn't this blog supposed to be encouraging and uplifting? Why am I telling you all this? Why? Oh - because I have invited you on this journey with me...and this journey isn't all positive. Does it help anyone if I appear to be only upbeat & positive all the time? Probably not...because its not human. This blog...this journey...this test doesn't serve its purpose if I hide behind the reality of my feelings.
Ok - so where am I? I'm doubting. I'm insecure. I'm afraid the results won't be good. I'm so hoping they will be so I can get a little bit of a break from this treatment schedule. I feel guilty for doubting. I feel hypocitical as I hear & am encouraged by the prayers & faith of those around me, lifting me up daily to the throne of God.
I'm reminded of a line in a song by Joni Earickson Tada, "I want to thank You...for the faith to doubt and yet believe..." (a line she didn't even like or understand until she lived it). I understand it. I'm living it. It is a humbling place to be...to know I can doubt the all-powerful, almighty, amazing God even after all He's done for me & yet believe that, even in my doubt, He is there, guiding, controlling, using this for His purpose, for His glory. Is it possible that He uses our doubt to strengthen our faith? I don't know...I'll get back to you on that one.
We are told in 1 Peter 5:6 to "Humble [ourselves]...under God's almighty hand, that He may lift [us] up in due time." The very next verse tells us to "cast all [our] cares upon Him because He cares for [us]. Again, I'm just thinking off the top of my head here, but there has to be a reason the ideas of humbling ourselves before God (to whom He shows favor [v. 5 of the same chapter] & the command to cast our anxieties on Him are together. For me at least, I think doubt begins to creep in when I begin to take control (at least in my mind) of my situation. When I begin to "take credit" for my ability to do the right things in fighting this disease, to place my confidence in the right diet, the right supplements, the right exercise plan, the best doctor & staff, etc. rather than recognizing that all of these things are merely the "horses & chariots" used by God as He fights this disease in me, I lose sight of the power of my faith. Suddenly, like the past several days, I am up against the reality of my disease & my powerlessness against it. Questions begin to haunt me..."have I done the "right" things?"... "Did I eat the right mix of cancer-fighting foods and take the right mix of supplements?"... "Have I done everything I could to discourage the cancer cell growth in my body?" on and on and on... I'm laughing at myself right now... through tears.
I am humbled, & somewhat amused, by my attempts at acting like the brave warrior fighting the invasion.
So...doubt is created when we trust more in the tools than in the One who made the tools... when the clay vessel imagines its shaping & form by its own power rather than at the hands of the Potter. Jeremiah 18: 4, "But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." II Corinthians 4:7, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that his all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
Back to the original question: What Do I believe? I believe, in spite of my doubt & questioning, that God is in control. I believe that, no matter what the results of these scans, that God is in control. I believe that He will heal me in His time, in His way to accomplish His purpose for His glory. I believe that this "marred vessel" is being reshaped as "seems best to Him". I believe that God can take the doubt created by our limited mind & use it to prove our reliance on Him...our weakness as breakable...broken...jars of clay to prove that the strength to fulfill His purpose comes from Him, not from us. He shines through the cracks in our vessel. We do indeed have "this treasure in jars of clay."
Thank you for wading through my stumbling journey. I can only pray that God somehow takes this & uses it for good. I am His vessel...broken, yet beautiful for His purpose.
Tricia
Psalm 3:3 "For You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory and the lifter of my head."
