It's been SO long since I've written and I feel very bad about that. It seems the words just haven't been there and now I can't seem to stop them from flowing! I realize I have missed writing and am glad to be back here sharing my story with you. I'm going to share with you first what triggered this sudden need to write again. I am back to IV treatments every 3 weeks now - on Taxol & Carboplatin this time - 5th one yesterday) and during yesterday's treatment, a fellow patient completed their chemo treatments and rang the "celebration" bell. I rejoice with each person who gets to ring that loud, crazy bell & long for the day I get to ring it myself! Afterwards, my oncology nurse hugged her, told her how proud she was of her and then said, "You made it! And that's what its all about. It's all about getting here". That last statement threw me..."it's all about getting here"...Is it?
Don't gt me wrong...I completely understand what she meant & I get it, but her words struck a discordant note with me. While I want to get "there" as much as any cancer patient out there, I don't believe that's what it's ALL about. In my opinion, there are just as powerful goals hiding in the journey itself.
I thought about my reaction & feelings about her statement all day...wondering if I was justified in my feelings or if I was just reacting to it through my fear of never getting "there". Finally, at a very early hour this morning, my answer came.
As a result of this treatment, I am wide awake for hours once the benadryl wears off and the steroids kick in. Looking for ways to occupy my time, I remembered that a Facebook friend was supposed to post an update on her scans, labs & doctor's visits on Thursday. I checked & yes, there was an update - - one of good & bad results. You see, Ashley fights a battle far tougher than mine with a rare form of cancer. I read her update with tears and then smiles as she shared first her medical update & then her faith. I realized that my feelings of the day are indeed justified...it IS about more than just "getting there"...what we learn through the journey may be far more important.
I realized that I now have the capacity to understand Ashley's admitted & mixed feelings of defeat & joy, acceptance & fight, concern & peace, doubt & faith. I could encourage her from the heart of my own experiences with a life of cancer; relating to her fears, fighting with her to stay strong & positive.
I realized again today with renewed joy, that what we learn through life experiences is not be to saved up to be used at the end of the battle, but rather to be put to the test in the midst of it. God allows us into these places, whether it be cancer, the death of friend or loved one, the illness of a child, job loss, poor judgment calls, whatever...not only to get our attention and give us new knowledge for our own good, but so that we can share (use) that knowledge to help others. We are not to become bitter, angry, joyless people in our trials - as dismal as they may seem. We are to strive to rise above, only by the grace of God, doing as He commands by counting it all joy and giving thanks in ALL circumstances. Who can help but share things they are joyous & thankful about? God teaches us lessons to make us better, to show us His power & His strength, to indwell us with that same power & strength so that we might glorify Him through our circumstances. What better way...WHAT BETTER WAY... to glorify Him than to use those lessons to minister to others who relate to our weaknesses and need His strength...to take advantage of the opportunities to show His love?
For several months, I have been contemplating a blog post about things I've learned in the now 1 1/2 years since my diagnosis. I think today brought it all home. Here is it....not exhaustive or even in order of importance, but what strikes me as important right now.
1) Life doesn't stop just because you receive a cancer diagnosis (or other bad news). The shock wears off and life goes on...a new normal takes over. Bills still come due (& a few more are added!), new life & death (sometimes very unexpected) still occur, job & household responsibilities still go on & have to get done, people still need you, you still feel...even joy, happiness, contentment, everything... You find positive in the midst of pain.
2) Family bonds and most friendships grow stronger in adversity. Some friendships fall away...cancer is tough on relationships. Honesty and openness are key. Renewal takes place. Bonds once thought broken or forgotten can be strengthened again. New friendships are formed...sometimes coming from the most unexpected places but welcome just the same. Support & love are out-poured beyond measure both in the most basic and creative of ways. The collective arms of those who love you uphold you in the midst of the storm.
3) Perspectives change as you fight the battle. Things that once were so important & necessary are now trivial. Things that were once ignored as commonplace are now precious. Birthdays are meant to be celebrated regardless of your age!! Day-to-day life is priceless - crazy sometimes, yes - even boring or difficult, but still to be enjoyed (still working on this one!) :)
4) Holidays can throw you a curveball - I struggled with this one... I love the holidays, but experienced something during them I never had before this past year - sadness, lots of questions... how many more? They had to be perfect this year in case they couldn't be in the coming years - I was stressed! This is when my writing stopped - I couldn't express myself through those feelings. It took me a while to deal with this unexpected reality of the unknown. I learned to enjoy the things that are important & stop stressing over perfection.
5) A face-to-face meeting with the possibility of your own death will make you look your insecurities square in the eyes & call them what they really are! God will make sure of this one! You quickly get over yourself & realize how precious you are in the sight of God. And yes - they resurface - but you learn to call them out & lay them at the feet of Jesus.
6)You CAN learn to be thankful in all circumstances. OKAY - am I thankful I have cancer? NO! But I do not have to be thankful FOR the circumstance, just IN it! How? For what I am learning, for the person I am becoming, for what God is doing in & through my life, for the people I am able to touch - to minister to - as a result of these circumstances. Indeed - to count it ALL joy!
7) God will use anything to draw you closer to Him. He can use anything in your life, past or present, to enable you to know Him more, to be able to minister to others.
8) God IS daily strength, peace, mercy & grace beyond ANYTHING we can imagine until we face overwhelming odds - & even then it is beyond our understanding. He does miracles in my life every day! He WILL heal - in His time, in His way and for HIS GLORY & PURPOSE.
9) It's ok to doubt, yell, scream, question, cry, be afraid, & fear the future. God understands & lovingly wraps His arms around us as we give in to those feelings & then, if we allow, begins to replace them with His peace, His strength, His words, HIS future...He drys the tears, picks up our fallen armor & puts it back on us, hands us our sword & then says, "now stand behind me as I fight for you. I am your shield, believe in me, I am all you need".
Remember a few posts ago when I shared my reaction to the Kutless song, "I'm Still Yours"? The very 1st line of that song brought me to my knees early in my treatment as I struggled emotionally with the possibility of losing my hair and my ability to sing... "If you washed away my vanity, If you took away my words...If you take it all...Would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives & takes away?" Well...almost a year & a half later, much to my doctor's surprise at how long it took, the Taxol finally caused my hair loss. Yes, it was emotional as my vanity literally washed away...And yet, in this event, God reminds me of how He sees me...broken, yet beautiful. He is taking the shattered pieces of this vessel I once held in value because of the outside & is showing me a greater beauty & value as He puts it back together so that His light shows through the cracks in the exterior. I still sing & Yes, my hands are still lifted because God, "I'm Still Yours"! You've even shown me a new place to minister as a result of my hair loss. Thank you!!
So Yes - it IS about more than getting "there" - the end of the journey is only one goal among many. The refining fire of the process, while painful, makes us more beautiful than ever before in ways that really matter - a goal worthy of striving for. I am broken, yet beautiful for God's glory!
And Ashley - thank you for sharing your journey too. You inspire me!! May God pour out His complete healing on you here on this earth. Fight on, my friend. He is your Shield and the Lifter of Your Head!!
