From self-adornment to God Adoration

For those of you who know me, you know I never set foot out of my house without makeup done & jewelry on (coordinated with my outfit, of course. I have been known to walk to the mailbox without these adornments, but I make it fast. :) If there's one thing I've learned about dealing with insecurity (at least for me), is that I have learned to hide behind the "adornments" of dressing up...Oh, let's face it...I LOVE jewelry...and clothes...and shoes...

So - how does this relate to my current cancer treatment? Well - the main side effect of the Tarceva that I'm on is a skin rash on the face and upper body. The doctors want to see that at first because that's how they know my body is accepting the drug & responding. Well - guess what? I'm definitely responding, but way more than what they expected! What started out as a few mild pimple-looking bumps flared to a red, burning, swollen, painful rash on my face over the weekend. Turns out I reacted not only to the medication as expected, but to one of the creams I was told to use in order to keep it "under control". Apparently, I'm allergic to one of the ingredients in that cream...Only me!!
Saturday and Sunday, I was in tears, not only because of the pain, but because I scared myself when I looked in the mirror. I didn't want anybody to see me, didn't want to go out...only went to the movies with a friend because I knew the theatre was dark and hoped I wouldn't see anybody.
Sunday morning, I arranged for another youth leader & friend to take my Sunday School class, but I had committed to making a casserole for a Ministry Fair luncheon scheduled for after church. I sent Jimmy and the girls to church because I was in so much pain that I hadn't slept well. I told him I would make the casserole, run it in to the kitchen and come back home. I was just not ready to let anyone see me.

After they left and as pain medication eased the pain in my face, I got everything ready to put the casserole in the oven then sat down with my Bible & journal, ready to pour out my heart on paper. I knew that I was allowing my vanity to get the best of me, but at that point, I didn't care. I wanted to make sure God knew exactly how I felt, how embarrassed I was...like He didn't know already.

Now - I hadn't forgotten that, to this point, I'd make chemo look easy...and that only by the grace of an Amazing God. This rash wasn't unexpected. I really thought I could handle the cosmetic look of it...had even laughed it off at the beginning...until it got really bad and very obvious. Makeup can only hide so much, you know. At this point, I was just mad...at myself and the situation.

For several weeks, through Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity, God had been reminding me of Proverbs 31: 25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity". I didn't feel very strong or dignified at that moment. He reminded me, again, as He has so many times through this, to "Be Still"... and then He showed me 1 Peter 3:3 & 4, "...it is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful. No, your beauty should come from within you - the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that will never be destroyed and is very precious to God." Oh, wow!! I'm thinking God also meant that clear skin and perfect bodies don't count either. As clearly as if He were bodily standing in the room with me, He impressed upon me that if I couldn't show my face to the people who love me and have ministered to me throughout this illness, then who could I show it to? Was I afraid of their judgment...or my own of myself? What kind of example would I be...to my beloved youth or my precious adult friends if I hid at home? Did I want to stand in the strength of Christ (as I'd just sang in the Call to Worship the week before) or wither against Satan's attack using my own insecurity against me?
I chose to let God use this...to recognize that I was not my outer appearance, but the "very precious to God" spirit within. SO - I got dressed, gently applied enough makeup to cover some of the redness on my face, put on some jewelry and took my casserole to church...and stayed for the luncheon. I admitted my struggle to those who surrounded me in love and not only heard, but felt not only their love, but their encouragement and support. Never have I been more pleased that I attended a church luncheon.

In the end, I found myself back to my journal that afternoon pouring out my heart for a different purpose - in adoration of a God who allows me to freely voice my hurts, my fears and frustrations...not only accompanying me, but carrying me through, reminding me that He is molding, making me in His image...I just have to Be Still and Know that He is God. And so - I count it all joy...

As of today (Tuesday), my face is getting better...swelling is gone, redness has calmed and skin is beginning to heal and clear. God has once again shown me beauty in brokenness. He is my "strength and shield...the lifter of my head."

Giving up Control to the Potter

Recently had another of those seashell and pottery moments: Over the past several months, I've felt many times like a piece of clay being squeezed & squished & turned at dizzying speeds as part of this divine molding process, but this one drove home a lesson I've needed to learn. You see, throughout this process of treatment, I've had "projects"; things I could "control". From the start, I was told I would lose my hair by the 2nd or 3rd chemo treatment. I was advised to cut my long hair, buy wigs, hats, scarves and prepare myself for the inevitable. This became "Project #1" - I had something to DO - to focus on accomplishing. (Still have my hair, by the way. Never did lose it all which my doctor thinks is so funny.) Project #2 became the nutrition research & exercise - again, something I could do ("control") to have an impact on this disease & my reaction to chemo. Such a control freak I am!! Now don't get me wrong - all these things are important & do have a positive impact on the person fighting cancer. God has provided wonderful people, resources and knowledge for us to be able use as part of this battle...even in the simple things of just wanting to look & feel your best. Yes, God understands our insecurity & vanity too. :)

BUT - when I stopped responding to the first round of chemo I was on, I was stunned...cancer tumors growing & a new possible spot on my ovary. Even as God lifted my head from disappointment, I felt fear. I was presented with an option for a clinical trial. I would be given a new targeted therapy drug, Tarceva and then a 2nd drug which would either be another targeted therapy drug or a placebo. One problem for the control freak here - I may never know if I'm on the "real" clinical drug or the placebo...and boy, do I hate not knowing!! Through two weeks of preparing to see if I was even eligible for the clinical trial, God exposed the intricate inner parts of this broken shell.

As I waited for word on whether the spot found on my ovary was cancerous, I worked to keep my mind off it. (It was not!) As I waited for word on the PET scan (which seemed to take forever!!), I made phone calls, worked, wrote & anything else I could do to stay busy. (Results were good - 2 tumors dormant, 2 active - much better than in January!!) Still - this clinical trial bothered me...I wanted to KNOW that I was doing everything I could. I, I , I... Finally, in the middle of a workout one afternoon, as I was listening to my Jeremy Camp CD, the lines of his song, "Beyond Measure" hit me...
"I know that I've been given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when I see beyond my fears
I know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I've broken down and given You control..."

There, stopped cold in the middle of my workout, I realized that I'd fallen back into the habit of playing God...I had taken back control of my treatment...or at least thought I had. I'd been given SO MUCH and not by MY hand, but by HIS!! I've responded extremely well to a treatment regimen that has knocked others flat. I'm able to do just about anything I want with rare exception. I have been cared for and ministered to in the past 8 months by friends & family in ways I can never repay. I have developed & restored friendships that mean more to me now than ever. I am drawing closer to my husband & children and we are all stronger as we stand together through this. In my moments of fear, God has given me glimpses of His plan for using this...glimpses of how HE will be glorified if I just give up control. When I do "see beyond my fears", it is exciting to realize what He is doing.

Again, in my brokenness I found beauty. In my "loss" of control, I found perfect peace & a fresh realization that God's hands are always around me so even when I'm being squeezed, squished & turned, He is holding me steady. Does He continue to use the things I've learned about nutrition/diet/exercise as part of my treatment? Yes - absolutely...but I see them as His "chariots & horses" ...not my own project.

God is truly amazing. I have started the clinical trial and so far so good...no side effects as of yet. I don't feel the need to know which clinical drug I'm on. I do like how one of my friends put it the other day...she said, "Wouldn't it be amazing if God used it to heal you even if it was the placebo?" Yes, it will be!! Thank you, my friend, for reminding me again that "with God, All things are possible."