I am currently in that phase between chemo infusions where I have scans before the doctor determines the next phase of treatment. I completed the PET scan today and have the CT scan on Monday. Where I go from here will be determined by the results of those 2 scans.
Its in this phase of preparing for scans and waiting for results that the reality of this disease comes crashing headlong, full force, into the reality of my faith. My belief & experiences with God are mocked, even overwhelmed by my knowledge-base & experiences with cancer. Shouldn't that be the other way around? What exactly DO I believe? What exactly is my faith placed in? Why does my faith not automatically overwhelm this doubt and... OH I'll just admit it...Fear!!
You are witnessing my unedited thought processes right now...this post was unplanned and I'm not sure where it is going so bear with me.
I find myself doubting the possibility that these scans will show positive results. My history with this has shown that by the 3rd scan of each chemo round I have stopped responding. I am focused on that statistic. And yet, every time I begin to slide down that slope, God reminds me that He is in control...not history. And what do I do? I ask Him "what if...?" "What if the results aren't positive and the tumors are growing again." "What if I don't get a break?" "What if I have to switch treatment AGAIN?" What if...What if...What if......? Can anyone tell I'm frustrated with myself?
Where is my strength?!?! Isn't this blog supposed to be encouraging and uplifting? Why am I telling you all this? Why? Oh - because I have invited you on this journey with me...and this journey isn't all positive. Does it help anyone if I appear to be only upbeat & positive all the time? Probably not...because its not human. This blog...this journey...this test doesn't serve its purpose if I hide behind the reality of my feelings.
Ok - so where am I? I'm doubting. I'm insecure. I'm afraid the results won't be good. I'm so hoping they will be so I can get a little bit of a break from this treatment schedule. I feel guilty for doubting. I feel hypocitical as I hear & am encouraged by the prayers & faith of those around me, lifting me up daily to the throne of God.
I'm reminded of a line in a song by Joni Earickson Tada, "I want to thank You...for the faith to doubt and yet believe..." (a line she didn't even like or understand until she lived it). I understand it. I'm living it. It is a humbling place to be...to know I can doubt the all-powerful, almighty, amazing God even after all He's done for me & yet believe that, even in my doubt, He is there, guiding, controlling, using this for His purpose, for His glory. Is it possible that He uses our doubt to strengthen our faith? I don't know...I'll get back to you on that one.
We are told in 1 Peter 5:6 to "Humble [ourselves]...under God's almighty hand, that He may lift [us] up in due time." The very next verse tells us to "cast all [our] cares upon Him because He cares for [us]. Again, I'm just thinking off the top of my head here, but there has to be a reason the ideas of humbling ourselves before God (to whom He shows favor [v. 5 of the same chapter] & the command to cast our anxieties on Him are together. For me at least, I think doubt begins to creep in when I begin to take control (at least in my mind) of my situation. When I begin to "take credit" for my ability to do the right things in fighting this disease, to place my confidence in the right diet, the right supplements, the right exercise plan, the best doctor & staff, etc. rather than recognizing that all of these things are merely the "horses & chariots" used by God as He fights this disease in me, I lose sight of the power of my faith. Suddenly, like the past several days, I am up against the reality of my disease & my powerlessness against it. Questions begin to haunt me..."have I done the "right" things?"... "Did I eat the right mix of cancer-fighting foods and take the right mix of supplements?"... "Have I done everything I could to discourage the cancer cell growth in my body?" on and on and on... I'm laughing at myself right now... through tears.
I am humbled, & somewhat amused, by my attempts at acting like the brave warrior fighting the invasion.
So...doubt is created when we trust more in the tools than in the One who made the tools... when the clay vessel imagines its shaping & form by its own power rather than at the hands of the Potter. Jeremiah 18: 4, "But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." II Corinthians 4:7, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that his all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
Back to the original question: What Do I believe? I believe, in spite of my doubt & questioning, that God is in control. I believe that, no matter what the results of these scans, that God is in control. I believe that He will heal me in His time, in His way to accomplish His purpose for His glory. I believe that this "marred vessel" is being reshaped as "seems best to Him". I believe that God can take the doubt created by our limited mind & use it to prove our reliance on Him...our weakness as breakable...broken...jars of clay to prove that the strength to fulfill His purpose comes from Him, not from us. He shines through the cracks in our vessel. We do indeed have "this treasure in jars of clay."
Thank you for wading through my stumbling journey. I can only pray that God somehow takes this & uses it for good. I am His vessel...broken, yet beautiful for His purpose.
Tricia
Psalm 3:3 "For You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory and the lifter of my head."
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
What IS it all about?
It's been SO long since I've written and I feel very bad about that. It seems the words just haven't been there and now I can't seem to stop them from flowing! I realize I have missed writing and am glad to be back here sharing my story with you. I'm going to share with you first what triggered this sudden need to write again. I am back to IV treatments every 3 weeks now - on Taxol & Carboplatin this time - 5th one yesterday) and during yesterday's treatment, a fellow patient completed their chemo treatments and rang the "celebration" bell. I rejoice with each person who gets to ring that loud, crazy bell & long for the day I get to ring it myself! Afterwards, my oncology nurse hugged her, told her how proud she was of her and then said, "You made it! And that's what its all about. It's all about getting here". That last statement threw me..."it's all about getting here"...Is it?
Don't gt me wrong...I completely understand what she meant & I get it, but her words struck a discordant note with me. While I want to get "there" as much as any cancer patient out there, I don't believe that's what it's ALL about. In my opinion, there are just as powerful goals hiding in the journey itself.
I thought about my reaction & feelings about her statement all day...wondering if I was justified in my feelings or if I was just reacting to it through my fear of never getting "there". Finally, at a very early hour this morning, my answer came.
As a result of this treatment, I am wide awake for hours once the benadryl wears off and the steroids kick in. Looking for ways to occupy my time, I remembered that a Facebook friend was supposed to post an update on her scans, labs & doctor's visits on Thursday. I checked & yes, there was an update - - one of good & bad results. You see, Ashley fights a battle far tougher than mine with a rare form of cancer. I read her update with tears and then smiles as she shared first her medical update & then her faith. I realized that my feelings of the day are indeed justified...it IS about more than just "getting there"...what we learn through the journey may be far more important.
I realized that I now have the capacity to understand Ashley's admitted & mixed feelings of defeat & joy, acceptance & fight, concern & peace, doubt & faith. I could encourage her from the heart of my own experiences with a life of cancer; relating to her fears, fighting with her to stay strong & positive.
I realized again today with renewed joy, that what we learn through life experiences is not be to saved up to be used at the end of the battle, but rather to be put to the test in the midst of it. God allows us into these places, whether it be cancer, the death of friend or loved one, the illness of a child, job loss, poor judgment calls, whatever...not only to get our attention and give us new knowledge for our own good, but so that we can share (use) that knowledge to help others. We are not to become bitter, angry, joyless people in our trials - as dismal as they may seem. We are to strive to rise above, only by the grace of God, doing as He commands by counting it all joy and giving thanks in ALL circumstances. Who can help but share things they are joyous & thankful about? God teaches us lessons to make us better, to show us His power & His strength, to indwell us with that same power & strength so that we might glorify Him through our circumstances. What better way...WHAT BETTER WAY... to glorify Him than to use those lessons to minister to others who relate to our weaknesses and need His strength...to take advantage of the opportunities to show His love?
For several months, I have been contemplating a blog post about things I've learned in the now 1 1/2 years since my diagnosis. I think today brought it all home. Here is it....not exhaustive or even in order of importance, but what strikes me as important right now.
1) Life doesn't stop just because you receive a cancer diagnosis (or other bad news). The shock wears off and life goes on...a new normal takes over. Bills still come due (& a few more are added!), new life & death (sometimes very unexpected) still occur, job & household responsibilities still go on & have to get done, people still need you, you still feel...even joy, happiness, contentment, everything... You find positive in the midst of pain.
2) Family bonds and most friendships grow stronger in adversity. Some friendships fall away...cancer is tough on relationships. Honesty and openness are key. Renewal takes place. Bonds once thought broken or forgotten can be strengthened again. New friendships are formed...sometimes coming from the most unexpected places but welcome just the same. Support & love are out-poured beyond measure both in the most basic and creative of ways. The collective arms of those who love you uphold you in the midst of the storm.
3) Perspectives change as you fight the battle. Things that once were so important & necessary are now trivial. Things that were once ignored as commonplace are now precious. Birthdays are meant to be celebrated regardless of your age!! Day-to-day life is priceless - crazy sometimes, yes - even boring or difficult, but still to be enjoyed (still working on this one!) :)
4) Holidays can throw you a curveball - I struggled with this one... I love the holidays, but experienced something during them I never had before this past year - sadness, lots of questions... how many more? They had to be perfect this year in case they couldn't be in the coming years - I was stressed! This is when my writing stopped - I couldn't express myself through those feelings. It took me a while to deal with this unexpected reality of the unknown. I learned to enjoy the things that are important & stop stressing over perfection.
5) A face-to-face meeting with the possibility of your own death will make you look your insecurities square in the eyes & call them what they really are! God will make sure of this one! You quickly get over yourself & realize how precious you are in the sight of God. And yes - they resurface - but you learn to call them out & lay them at the feet of Jesus.
6)You CAN learn to be thankful in all circumstances. OKAY - am I thankful I have cancer? NO! But I do not have to be thankful FOR the circumstance, just IN it! How? For what I am learning, for the person I am becoming, for what God is doing in & through my life, for the people I am able to touch - to minister to - as a result of these circumstances. Indeed - to count it ALL joy!
7) God will use anything to draw you closer to Him. He can use anything in your life, past or present, to enable you to know Him more, to be able to minister to others.
8) God IS daily strength, peace, mercy & grace beyond ANYTHING we can imagine until we face overwhelming odds - & even then it is beyond our understanding. He does miracles in my life every day! He WILL heal - in His time, in His way and for HIS GLORY & PURPOSE.
9) It's ok to doubt, yell, scream, question, cry, be afraid, & fear the future. God understands & lovingly wraps His arms around us as we give in to those feelings & then, if we allow, begins to replace them with His peace, His strength, His words, HIS future...He drys the tears, picks up our fallen armor & puts it back on us, hands us our sword & then says, "now stand behind me as I fight for you. I am your shield, believe in me, I am all you need".
Remember a few posts ago when I shared my reaction to the Kutless song, "I'm Still Yours"? The very 1st line of that song brought me to my knees early in my treatment as I struggled emotionally with the possibility of losing my hair and my ability to sing... "If you washed away my vanity, If you took away my words...If you take it all...Would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives & takes away?" Well...almost a year & a half later, much to my doctor's surprise at how long it took, the Taxol finally caused my hair loss. Yes, it was emotional as my vanity literally washed away...And yet, in this event, God reminds me of how He sees me...broken, yet beautiful. He is taking the shattered pieces of this vessel I once held in value because of the outside & is showing me a greater beauty & value as He puts it back together so that His light shows through the cracks in the exterior. I still sing & Yes, my hands are still lifted because God, "I'm Still Yours"! You've even shown me a new place to minister as a result of my hair loss. Thank you!!
So Yes - it IS about more than getting "there" - the end of the journey is only one goal among many. The refining fire of the process, while painful, makes us more beautiful than ever before in ways that really matter - a goal worthy of striving for. I am broken, yet beautiful for God's glory!
And Ashley - thank you for sharing your journey too. You inspire me!! May God pour out His complete healing on you here on this earth. Fight on, my friend. He is your Shield and the Lifter of Your Head!!
Don't gt me wrong...I completely understand what she meant & I get it, but her words struck a discordant note with me. While I want to get "there" as much as any cancer patient out there, I don't believe that's what it's ALL about. In my opinion, there are just as powerful goals hiding in the journey itself.
I thought about my reaction & feelings about her statement all day...wondering if I was justified in my feelings or if I was just reacting to it through my fear of never getting "there". Finally, at a very early hour this morning, my answer came.
As a result of this treatment, I am wide awake for hours once the benadryl wears off and the steroids kick in. Looking for ways to occupy my time, I remembered that a Facebook friend was supposed to post an update on her scans, labs & doctor's visits on Thursday. I checked & yes, there was an update - - one of good & bad results. You see, Ashley fights a battle far tougher than mine with a rare form of cancer. I read her update with tears and then smiles as she shared first her medical update & then her faith. I realized that my feelings of the day are indeed justified...it IS about more than just "getting there"...what we learn through the journey may be far more important.
I realized that I now have the capacity to understand Ashley's admitted & mixed feelings of defeat & joy, acceptance & fight, concern & peace, doubt & faith. I could encourage her from the heart of my own experiences with a life of cancer; relating to her fears, fighting with her to stay strong & positive.
I realized again today with renewed joy, that what we learn through life experiences is not be to saved up to be used at the end of the battle, but rather to be put to the test in the midst of it. God allows us into these places, whether it be cancer, the death of friend or loved one, the illness of a child, job loss, poor judgment calls, whatever...not only to get our attention and give us new knowledge for our own good, but so that we can share (use) that knowledge to help others. We are not to become bitter, angry, joyless people in our trials - as dismal as they may seem. We are to strive to rise above, only by the grace of God, doing as He commands by counting it all joy and giving thanks in ALL circumstances. Who can help but share things they are joyous & thankful about? God teaches us lessons to make us better, to show us His power & His strength, to indwell us with that same power & strength so that we might glorify Him through our circumstances. What better way...WHAT BETTER WAY... to glorify Him than to use those lessons to minister to others who relate to our weaknesses and need His strength...to take advantage of the opportunities to show His love?
For several months, I have been contemplating a blog post about things I've learned in the now 1 1/2 years since my diagnosis. I think today brought it all home. Here is it....not exhaustive or even in order of importance, but what strikes me as important right now.
1) Life doesn't stop just because you receive a cancer diagnosis (or other bad news). The shock wears off and life goes on...a new normal takes over. Bills still come due (& a few more are added!), new life & death (sometimes very unexpected) still occur, job & household responsibilities still go on & have to get done, people still need you, you still feel...even joy, happiness, contentment, everything... You find positive in the midst of pain.
2) Family bonds and most friendships grow stronger in adversity. Some friendships fall away...cancer is tough on relationships. Honesty and openness are key. Renewal takes place. Bonds once thought broken or forgotten can be strengthened again. New friendships are formed...sometimes coming from the most unexpected places but welcome just the same. Support & love are out-poured beyond measure both in the most basic and creative of ways. The collective arms of those who love you uphold you in the midst of the storm.
3) Perspectives change as you fight the battle. Things that once were so important & necessary are now trivial. Things that were once ignored as commonplace are now precious. Birthdays are meant to be celebrated regardless of your age!! Day-to-day life is priceless - crazy sometimes, yes - even boring or difficult, but still to be enjoyed (still working on this one!) :)
4) Holidays can throw you a curveball - I struggled with this one... I love the holidays, but experienced something during them I never had before this past year - sadness, lots of questions... how many more? They had to be perfect this year in case they couldn't be in the coming years - I was stressed! This is when my writing stopped - I couldn't express myself through those feelings. It took me a while to deal with this unexpected reality of the unknown. I learned to enjoy the things that are important & stop stressing over perfection.
5) A face-to-face meeting with the possibility of your own death will make you look your insecurities square in the eyes & call them what they really are! God will make sure of this one! You quickly get over yourself & realize how precious you are in the sight of God. And yes - they resurface - but you learn to call them out & lay them at the feet of Jesus.
6)You CAN learn to be thankful in all circumstances. OKAY - am I thankful I have cancer? NO! But I do not have to be thankful FOR the circumstance, just IN it! How? For what I am learning, for the person I am becoming, for what God is doing in & through my life, for the people I am able to touch - to minister to - as a result of these circumstances. Indeed - to count it ALL joy!
7) God will use anything to draw you closer to Him. He can use anything in your life, past or present, to enable you to know Him more, to be able to minister to others.
8) God IS daily strength, peace, mercy & grace beyond ANYTHING we can imagine until we face overwhelming odds - & even then it is beyond our understanding. He does miracles in my life every day! He WILL heal - in His time, in His way and for HIS GLORY & PURPOSE.
9) It's ok to doubt, yell, scream, question, cry, be afraid, & fear the future. God understands & lovingly wraps His arms around us as we give in to those feelings & then, if we allow, begins to replace them with His peace, His strength, His words, HIS future...He drys the tears, picks up our fallen armor & puts it back on us, hands us our sword & then says, "now stand behind me as I fight for you. I am your shield, believe in me, I am all you need".
Remember a few posts ago when I shared my reaction to the Kutless song, "I'm Still Yours"? The very 1st line of that song brought me to my knees early in my treatment as I struggled emotionally with the possibility of losing my hair and my ability to sing... "If you washed away my vanity, If you took away my words...If you take it all...Would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives & takes away?" Well...almost a year & a half later, much to my doctor's surprise at how long it took, the Taxol finally caused my hair loss. Yes, it was emotional as my vanity literally washed away...And yet, in this event, God reminds me of how He sees me...broken, yet beautiful. He is taking the shattered pieces of this vessel I once held in value because of the outside & is showing me a greater beauty & value as He puts it back together so that His light shows through the cracks in the exterior. I still sing & Yes, my hands are still lifted because God, "I'm Still Yours"! You've even shown me a new place to minister as a result of my hair loss. Thank you!!
So Yes - it IS about more than getting "there" - the end of the journey is only one goal among many. The refining fire of the process, while painful, makes us more beautiful than ever before in ways that really matter - a goal worthy of striving for. I am broken, yet beautiful for God's glory!
And Ashley - thank you for sharing your journey too. You inspire me!! May God pour out His complete healing on you here on this earth. Fight on, my friend. He is your Shield and the Lifter of Your Head!!
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