Good news this week. Preliminary results from my scans on Friday show improvement in the lung tumors & stability in all others. My doctor is very pleased with the results so far. I continue to have minimal side effects and, as long as my blood work counts hold, I will have more scans in eight weeks. God continues as my shield and strength and I praise Him for all He is doing.
God has been pressing on my heart something I needed to write about. In the last month or so, he has brought it to my attention several times through different people & a book we're studying in small group Bible Studies at church. He used these people & tools to remind me of His divine guidance and preparation.
About two years ago, I spoke before the congregation of my church sharing with them my recent struggle with depression. I shared with them God's leading on my heart that there was something more for me to do, but had not yet found it. I asked for their support as I held myself accountable to them in continuing to search for God's will in my life. One thing I did not share on that morning was an ongoing struggle that took far longer to overcome.
For quite a long time, I had been convicted that my walk with God was not where it needed to be. I had become caught up in gaining head knowledge about scripture, historical evidence of Biblical events, etc. Not that having this knowledge is bad, but I was allowing it to take the place of continuing to develop a closer relationship with Christ. To add to this, I wanted more than anything to have a ministry for Christ, especially one that would use my music. I shared with some people close to me what I felt was a calling, but felt frustrated that it was not going anywhere. Looking back, I was trying to control everything myself...to do things in my strength and for my glory.
God began pressing on me with greater intensity that He had a distinct plan...something for me to do, but that I had to surrender completely to Him. He repeatedly placed in my heart & mind a prayer of surrender He wanted me to pray..."God, whatever it takes to use me for Your glory, to accomplish Your will, do it. I'll accept it." My faith withered. I resisted...strongly; flatly Refused to pray this prayer...not because I wanted to be disobedient, but out of fear of what "whatever it takes" would be. I was deeply afraid of what God would take...my imagination ran wild with what He might do, what He might require of me..my family?, my voice? what? I flew from the possibilities & fought the conviction to obey, simply unable to believe that He would provide no matter what. The harder I struggled, the more I plugged my ears, the more I buried myself in my own works, the more depressed I became. I reached a point of complete brokenness, frustration and joylessness. Finally, I asked my husband for a weekend to myself, to try to get my head on straight.
During that weekend, I came undone before God, broken, open, honest about my fears. At some point in those 2 days, I surrendered to God the resistance to His leading and asked for strength as I prayed, "Whatever it takes, God, do it...just draw me close to You and use me as You see fit. I have to be used by You...not my way, God, but Yours." In that surrender, I finally felt the release I'd been searching for, the peace & joy of my salvation returned. I still had a long way to go and God had some victories to win in my heart, but we were headed in the right direction.
Do I believe that God caused me to get cancer to give me a ministry? No, not at all. I do believe strongly, however, that He knew I needed to be able to allow Him to use this for His glory and that "whatever it takes" will be to use these circumstances to accomplish something for His kingdom. I am surrendered to His will and know His joy and peace on a daily basis through this struggle. Yes, I have days that I fall flat on my face & cry in frustration & fear, yell at the kids, get too busy to pray and try to rely on myself instead of God, but He always gently reminds me that He is my strength, counselor and peace. I can JOYFULLY testify to anyone who feels scared of complete surrender to God that He will not leave you in the struggle...whatever it is. He IS always there and He will accomplish His purpose. Trust me when I tell you, it is far more peaceful and easy to go with Him in the midst of a struggle than to struggle to find your own way. "If that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain." (Mercy Me)
