This week I go through scans to determine if I'm eligible for a clinical trial as my next phase of treatment. I've stopped responding to the previous treatment after 8 rounds of chemo so we have to find a new one. Felt those all too familiar stabs of fear after my last scans a week & a half ago when my doctor realized some tumors were growing again and then proceeds to tell me there's something on my right ovary too. So far, things are looking positive, but its hard to deny those moments of fear. YET...It continues to amaze me how much peace God gives in times of uncertainty. How could He take someone so undeserving as me...someone who has happily run in the opposite direction of His will and guidance so many times just for my own selfish desires...and wrap me in His loving arms, lift my head and ease my heart?
Have you ever experienced the feeling of undeserved forgiveness and acceptance? Times when you know you've hurt someone or acted like a complete idiot and they forgive and restore you? How many times have I treated God with complete disregard. Selfishly going off on my own path because it looked better than His, following my desires instead of listening to the warning bells in my head. And how many times have I wound up broken, feeling rejected and in need of forgiveness, yet feeling undeserving. AND YET...EVERY TIME, He accepts me back with open arms, with forgiveness and love, never beating me over the head with the past (I do that enough on my own). :) He heals the wounds, though sometimes it takes a while. He weaves the scars into this tapestry of my life and is using them to create something beautiful He can use. Amazing love...
Love the lyrics from Casting Crowns' "Mercy"...
"Here I am a sinner broken and in need of You
Take my life and wash my fears away
For You are the 'Great I am', rest assured, I feel Your hand
Holding me until the darkness clears...
Here I stand a child of Yours broken and in need of You
Break these chains and wash my guilt away
Healer of my brokenness, my weary soul will find its rest
You are my strength, the lifter of my head
You're greater than my yesterdays, You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows, my heart will always say..."
Fighting this battle with cancer has brought so many things into focus...one of those things is the importance of relationships...with God, family and friends. The need for us to show and express the mercy God has shown us. In the end, its not about what we have, the positions we've held, how powerful we've been or how much fun we had. It's about relationships...about making a difference in the lives of those we touch and offering forgiveness to those who hurt us...even when we don't feel like it. I've always had a desire to reach out to those around me. My diagnosis hasn't changed this...if anything its made it stronger and more urgent than ever. What God will accomplish with this is unclear right now, but I am excited about what He will do...I am His vessel...broken, yet beautiful in His eyes.
Tricia
No comments:
Post a Comment