Giving up Control to the Potter

Recently had another of those seashell and pottery moments: Over the past several months, I've felt many times like a piece of clay being squeezed & squished & turned at dizzying speeds as part of this divine molding process, but this one drove home a lesson I've needed to learn. You see, throughout this process of treatment, I've had "projects"; things I could "control". From the start, I was told I would lose my hair by the 2nd or 3rd chemo treatment. I was advised to cut my long hair, buy wigs, hats, scarves and prepare myself for the inevitable. This became "Project #1" - I had something to DO - to focus on accomplishing. (Still have my hair, by the way. Never did lose it all which my doctor thinks is so funny.) Project #2 became the nutrition research & exercise - again, something I could do ("control") to have an impact on this disease & my reaction to chemo. Such a control freak I am!! Now don't get me wrong - all these things are important & do have a positive impact on the person fighting cancer. God has provided wonderful people, resources and knowledge for us to be able use as part of this battle...even in the simple things of just wanting to look & feel your best. Yes, God understands our insecurity & vanity too. :)

BUT - when I stopped responding to the first round of chemo I was on, I was stunned...cancer tumors growing & a new possible spot on my ovary. Even as God lifted my head from disappointment, I felt fear. I was presented with an option for a clinical trial. I would be given a new targeted therapy drug, Tarceva and then a 2nd drug which would either be another targeted therapy drug or a placebo. One problem for the control freak here - I may never know if I'm on the "real" clinical drug or the placebo...and boy, do I hate not knowing!! Through two weeks of preparing to see if I was even eligible for the clinical trial, God exposed the intricate inner parts of this broken shell.

As I waited for word on whether the spot found on my ovary was cancerous, I worked to keep my mind off it. (It was not!) As I waited for word on the PET scan (which seemed to take forever!!), I made phone calls, worked, wrote & anything else I could do to stay busy. (Results were good - 2 tumors dormant, 2 active - much better than in January!!) Still - this clinical trial bothered me...I wanted to KNOW that I was doing everything I could. I, I , I... Finally, in the middle of a workout one afternoon, as I was listening to my Jeremy Camp CD, the lines of his song, "Beyond Measure" hit me...
"I know that I've been given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when I see beyond my fears
I know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I've broken down and given You control..."

There, stopped cold in the middle of my workout, I realized that I'd fallen back into the habit of playing God...I had taken back control of my treatment...or at least thought I had. I'd been given SO MUCH and not by MY hand, but by HIS!! I've responded extremely well to a treatment regimen that has knocked others flat. I'm able to do just about anything I want with rare exception. I have been cared for and ministered to in the past 8 months by friends & family in ways I can never repay. I have developed & restored friendships that mean more to me now than ever. I am drawing closer to my husband & children and we are all stronger as we stand together through this. In my moments of fear, God has given me glimpses of His plan for using this...glimpses of how HE will be glorified if I just give up control. When I do "see beyond my fears", it is exciting to realize what He is doing.

Again, in my brokenness I found beauty. In my "loss" of control, I found perfect peace & a fresh realization that God's hands are always around me so even when I'm being squeezed, squished & turned, He is holding me steady. Does He continue to use the things I've learned about nutrition/diet/exercise as part of my treatment? Yes - absolutely...but I see them as His "chariots & horses" ...not my own project.

God is truly amazing. I have started the clinical trial and so far so good...no side effects as of yet. I don't feel the need to know which clinical drug I'm on. I do like how one of my friends put it the other day...she said, "Wouldn't it be amazing if God used it to heal you even if it was the placebo?" Yes, it will be!! Thank you, my friend, for reminding me again that "with God, All things are possible."